Goodbye 2022

Another challenging year has flown by! It started with another winter of caution as Covid continued to create new variants that kept spreading. At the same time my sister Nancy was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she was under hospice care at home. We were devastated by the news, even though I knew she had been failing for quite a while. But I hung in there teaching yoga through the winter months. In April I was determined to get away and took a much needed road trip to Florida to see Nancy's daughter Rita, husband Mike and their three girls, Samantha, Hayley and Charlotte. I stopped on the way in Silver Springs and stayed with my cousin David and wife Christine and their son. I also got to see Dave's former wife Jen who I adore. Then it was off to the Carolinas with an overnight then a visit to Savanah, Georgie, and stop at Fernando Beach on Amelia Island, a stop in Melbourne to see Frank and his wife Anh. I had a lovely stay in Florida on Hutchinson Island and enjoyed Easter in Port St. Lucie with Rita, Mike and the Girls. It was a bitter sweet trip, knowing my sister could pass at any moment. On my way back I stopped on Jekyll Island and then stopped in North Carolina to see Sue and Bill Kruse. Then up to Norfolk and across the Bay Bridge Tunnel to the Eastern Shore of Maryland. I spent a night in Ocean City MD, which was fun. 

A few weeks after my return to Connecticut, Nancy passed away on May 30th

 

As I entered the decade of my 60's, I often reflected on what my life would have been like "if"? There were so many twists and turns in my life. Every decision can effect the whole future of your existence. What if I had gone to a different college, taken a different job, gone on a different trip, or not answered a particular personal ad (back in 1988). Every person you meet, every corner you turn, opens up new (or no) possibilities.

Facebook enabled me to reconnect with old friends and boyfriends from long ago. I saw their lives unfold before me, the spouses they had (or had had), the children they raised, the careers they followed, and the journeys they took. Some of those journeys could have been mine if I had made different choices.

Some of my reflections were sad and wistful. I truly could have had a different life. In fact I could have had many, many different lives. Every day and every moment can change the path forward.  My favorite saying from the title of Dr. Seuss's book is "Oh, The Places You'll Go!"

Now after all these many years, I'm paying more attention to the choices I make each day. I'm changing my tune, and following my heart. Which means I'm trusting my self and my own instincts. There is so much freedom in this.

Today I'm listening to Elizabeth Gilberts book "Big Magic". If you haven't read it, you must. I love her discussion about being a martyr or a trickster. It will rock your world, especially if you are like me and tend to suffer through life.

Perhaps all that suffering brought me to where I am today. I have tremendous compassion for all beings. I'm fascinated by human nature and keep learning and growing as the human I am. Not giving up on myself or life has brought me here. I have much to create and while I know I will struggle with my deep rooted conditioning of the past, I see so much light ahead now. And I'm grateful for all I have learned.

There is a lot in what I wrote above, that could be expanded on and certainly better written. But I'm just getting things out.  Otherwise no one will know what is in the vast experiences of my mind.

Yes, My Life is Still a Mess, but Maybe it's a Good Mess

I haven't published anything on-line since October.  I write from time to time but don't finish it.  I think I got tired of writing about the mess of my life.  But today I thought, "screw it", and decided to let my thoughts out again.

After a long day teaching back to back yoga classes this morning, and then meeting with my tax preparer, I took myself out to dinner at Bertucci's and then browsed around Barnes & Noble afterwards.  I wanted to see what sort of Yoga Books were kicking around.  I saw nothing that wowed me or seemed interesting.  Then I looked at the nutrition and cooking books.  There were SO many books in that category.  So, I just confirmed for myself that there is a place in the World for my very own book on Yoga.  Now I just have to write it, and I promise you I will.

But as I do that, I must get my life back in some semblance of order.  I've been saying this for how long???  Oh dear.  Well, I'm saying it again.  While I was at Barnes & Noble, I took pictures of books I wanted to read and reminded myself that it's time to start going to the public library for my reading material.  This will save me lots of money, and give me a place to study and maybe even write.  But as I was leaving the store I picked up a little book titled "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up".  It has apparently made it to the NY Times Bestseller List.  It was just a small book and was 30% off, so I indulged myself in this small purchase.  At the cash register the clerk says to me, "You are going to love that book.  It changed my life".  I said "Thank you, I certainly hope it will change mine".

So, now I'm home on my couch on a Saturday night watching television, looking at my new book, eating the best gluten free cookies I've ever found, and writing.  I'm always multi-tasking, always trying to do way more than I can ever accomplish, wondering what will help me get through my mess.  I'm just too tired tonight to do the work.

I know that I need help, but I no longer can afford to hire people.  So, I'm going to start a new life of bartering.  I'm excited to be bartering photo organizing in exchange for health coaching/yoga.  I hope this first venture into bartering will go well.  But I need more.

I haven't been good lately about making to-do lists or writing things down in general.  I think it's because I don't want to see/acknowledge the scope of all that I need to do.  Or is it the scope of what I WANT to do.  What if I made a list and just scratched off half of it.  Do I need to do everything???  Why does my mind want to do so freakin much???

Well, here's some of my list:


Find health coaching clients
Create yoga workshops and find places to hold them
Start writing yoga book
Find way to get a website up, along with list building capability, and then create on-line programs.
Begin blogging about yoga, health and aging boomer issues
Start making yoga videos for youtube and my website
Find some way to earn money to pay off credit card debt
Finish B-School
Complete IIN Immersion course over the next 6 months
Organize files and paper work in a way that will support this next stage of my life
Input all recent business cards and contacts on my contact list.
Organize photographs
Finish going through mom & dad's memorabilia
Discard or sell all items no longer necessary for my life
Have my apartment cleaned

Now I have to figure out how to manage my time to do all this!!  All help, suggestions, work opportunities, support, love, and cheering me on are welcome.  Please leave comments below.

Moving Mom Didn't Go Well

About a week after mom moved down to the Life Guidance area where she was supposed to get more attention, things fell apart.  After mom was in bed one night one of the residences opened her door.  Eventually mom got up and went out to the common area where another resident was watching TV.  Apparently they got into a scuffle with each other and mom got pushed into a china cabinet and fractured her hip and shoulder.

It was a long night at the emergency room and then the next day mom had surgery to repair her hip.  She came through the surgery OK, but as you can imagine for someone almost 96 years old, it will be a long recovery.  After 10 days in the hospital, mom is rehabilitating in a nursing home.

Why, tell me why, do nursing homes have to look so dismal????  We must work to change this.  Nursing homes are where people often go near the very end of life because they need round the clock care.  The staff always says that the people there don't really notice the environment, but I believe on some level it matters!!!

I believe communities, businesses and people should all contribute time, money, and services to make nursing homes nicer.  It don't think it would be that difficult if everyone helped out.  After all, many of us will end up at these places someday.  

Moving Mom Again

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires

Will come to you!

What a challenging journey I have had managing my mom's life.  Little did I know almost 7 years ago when my dad died, that I would find myself where I am today.  I have learned what it means to have the patience of a saint, and so much more.  

I did my best to keep mom in her home for 4 years.  This entailed paying someone to come to the house twice a day to make sure she got up and dressed in the morning, ate, had meds, water, and had a little companionship.  Her neighbor across the street, Dave also kept an eye on her.  For me it meant calling her every night and visiting every other weekend, until it became every weekend.  There were several trips to the hospital, in the beginning from anxiety attacks (she would shake uncontrollably) then a fall through the rotten back porch that seriously cut up one leg, and then finally she passed out in the summer heat one night because she would close the bedroom door and not allow the air conditioning to come in.  That was the final straw along with her wanderings out on the street,  and I knew I needed to move her some place safer.  Moving mom was about more than her safety and health.  It was also about the difficulty of  keeping up with a house that was sitting on top of a wet, moldy basement filled with 54 years of debris, with a rotten deck and a big yard to take care of.  So many issues.  But finally I found a reasonably priced assisted living place with a lovely apartment to move her to.  It broke my heart to have mom leave her home, but she didn't even know she was home when she was there.  That eased my heartbreak and guilt a little, but not much.  I cried my heart out when I went to sign the contract, and cried my heart out again the night before the move.

Because of my mom's dementia I have had to work behind the scenes to make sure she has what she needs and to advocate for her.  When I realized the aids who worked at the Assisted Living Place were not good at putting mom to bed and getting her up in the morning, I had to hire a private aid Elsa to help me.  Elsa has been a godsend to me, and to mom (although mom doesn't remember Elsa from day to day).

Stay with me

Something interesting happens when fear takes over me and I see no way out of a crisis.  I become frozen and unable to move.  This is a terrifying feeling, because it happens at a time when you most need to be taking action.

This is strange, because I can honestly say that if something happened to someone else and they needed help, I would probably jump into action.  So I don't really understand why I am so paralyzed at the moment.

I am working at regaining my strength, but I'm having to reach out to others for support.  I feel like I have no oxygen, and someone else needs to put the oxygen mask on me.  I can keep going and keep working, but I just need some love, encouragement and support.  It is such an odd feeling.  I'm broken, sad, defeated and feel so alone in my predicament.  I'm certain that I am somehow meant to go through this, so that I can better speak and help others who don't know where to begin.

It feels similar to what happens to people when they are choking.  I was trained that if you see someone choking and they get up and go toward the rest room, you should follow them.  People in our culture are so embarrassed when something goes very wrong, that they want to run and hide.  Yet that is when they are in dire need of help from others.  I want to run and hide right now!  Please don't let me disappear.  I'm not dead yet.  I just have to get through this tough spell and get back on my feet.  Stay with me now, and you can be sure I will be there for you in your time of need.

Oh, The Places I've Lived

Since I moved back to Connecticut over 2 years ago, I have sunk deeper and deeper into loneliness and depression.  Yes, there are lots of reasons for me to feel down: caring for my 95 year old mother with dementia, being away from friends, yet another heartbreak, running out of money, disconnection with family, and missing the ocean.  But I have all the tools to keep me positive, living in the moment, making each and every day the best day.  And indeed, my yoga has kept me afloat in many ways.  Yet my spirit feels so weak and tired, and I continue to feel lost and alone.

Lately each day, my friend Roberta posts a beautiful picture of sunrise on the water in Martha's Vineyard. The pictures have lit up my soul and always soothe my pain.  Today after seeing this particularly stunning photo, it finally hit me.  I have been fortunate in my life to live in some really extraordinary places.

Now for the last three years I have lived in apartment complexes in the Manchester area of Connecticut.  Even though my current apartment has trees outside my window, it still doesn't feed my soul enough.  I'm starving for the ocean nearby, the starlit nights, and the stimulation of nature.  If I had never known this beauty, I would not miss it so much.  

I Dreamed About My iPhone

I woke up this morning and realized I had had my first iPhone dream.  I was in some beautiful place in France and couldn't get the camera on my iPhone to work.  I asked this french women at an information booth to help me.  She got it working, but then I couldn't figure out what she had done.  By then there was a long line of people in the information line, and I couldn't wait to talk with her and had to leave.  My friend Sunny was in the dream too.  We had spoken on the phone last night about our upcoming bike trip to Croatia.

So what does my first iPhone dream mean?  I've been thinking a lot lately about how attached I've become to my iPhone. I worry that perhaps I'm addicted in some way.   I think in some ways yes, and in some ways no.  Nothing like this has ever existed before.  I have always had a curious mind, and now every answer to anything I want to know can be found on my iPhone.

I used to wake up in the morning feeling lonely and sometimes depressed.  It was a painful time.  Now I wake up in the morning and I can pick up my iPhone and connect with the world.  I can check in with all the people I care about, and get laughs or inspiration to start my day, like this video shared by my friend June:

This made my smile.

But at the same time I can catch the news and see clips about the tragedies of our world.  The internet can take me to any imaginable place.  This morning it also took me to that sad face of the father who lost his son to a violent attack in California this week.

This made me cry.

And then, in the midst of all the chatter of the world wide web,  I heard with great sadness that the mother of all voices is now quiet.  

Maya Angelou passed away today.  

The last few years, I have written many drafts for my blog but haven't posted them.  So much happened, so many journeys have been taken, so many lessons have been learned.  I moved back to Connecticut, moved my mom to Assisted Living, emptied the family house of 54 years of accumulation, got the house sold, started teaching many yoga classes, had heartbreaks, found love again, said goodbye to my cat Abigail, and on and on.  Now I'm taking a new course called B-School in hopes to get an on-line business going.  I continue to manage mom's life, and at the age of 95 she is still getting herself around on her own two feet.  Her mind is strange, but her spirit is amazing.  I hope to post more blog posts this year, as I continue to dance on the branches of life!!!

Separateness

"A theology of separation has created a society of separation".  I call it the adolescence of humanity.  First we need to find out who we are as individuals and break away on our own, just like we did in our teens and 20's.  I think it's time to start coming back together.  Are you wondering how you can do everything you have to do  all by yourself?  After 10 years of living alone, I know that the next stage of growth is learning to bring my SELF, my gifts, who I am,  to live compatibly with others.  There is no end to the differences we can find if we focus in that way. But each of us is a thread in a beautiful tapestry that is humanity.  When I think of tapestry I think of one of my Facebook friends, Sarah Haskell.  Facebook is a tapestry of our friends.  We get glimpses into the lives of others that we never before had.  We can enjoy the brief connections or go deeper.  Technology is bringing us together in a way that has never before been possible.  What will we do with this opportunity??  Just know that it has the possibility of creating more understanding, tolerance, and peace. The survival and well being of humanity and our beautiful planet depend on it.

The Peace of Wild Things by Wendall Barry

When despair for the World grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound,
in fear of what my life
and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light.
For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
                                                                                  
                                                                                    — Wendell Berry

STAY!

I woke up after a good night's rest, and once again picked up Geneen Roth's book "Women, Food, and God".  For a while now, I have been stuck on the chapter "Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt".  I find many things to do other than reading these days.  I check e-mail, go on-line, make phone calls, watch tv, play scrabble or Words with Friends on my iPad.  Or I create a mess in my kitchen or a mess in my mind. All this to escape the worrying, and the feeling of being frightened out of my mind. Anything to distract me from feeling what I'm feeling these days.  Which is exactly what Geneen's book is about!  Even though the main focus of the book is about weight, it speaks to exactly what is going on with me.  I don't want to feel what I'm feeling, and face what I'm facing, so I distract myself or as she puts it "bolt" from myself.

Many years ago at a workshop with Oriah Mountain Dreamer (you might have read her poem "The Invitation), she took us through a deep meditation to find what she calls "our one word".  The process blew my mind.  As we went deep into an imaginary and beautiful underworld, the word "STAY" kept getting in the way of where my mind was taking me.  I wanted to go back to that meditative beautiful place, but a billboard went up (in my mind) with the word "STAY" on it.  I tried to get around it but couldn't.  Then it hit me, this was my word!!!  But what did it mean???  I wanted some flowery word like: grace, beauty, compassion, love, or peace.  But instead I got "STAY".  I assumed that for me it meant, to stay with myself.  To not runaway from who I am.  But I've continued to run, and probably faster and faster every year.

So, this morning I'm reading Geneen's book. Every line in this chapter speaks to me and then she starts talking about what it means to stay.

"When you stay, you question what you've never questioned:  the you you take yourself to be.  The you who is not your past, not your habits, not your compulsions.  Anything becomes possible.  Even living through extraordinary pain."

We all have ways of bolting from our own lives, with either drugs, alcohol, food, work, sex, money, internet, religion, or denial. We love to distract ourselves by watching other people's lives (reality TV), or obsessing over our kid's lives, or our spouses life, or our friends life.  And of course, a favorite distraction is complaining about what our government is doing wrong, or condemning other people.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get off on a tangent.  But all that we are exposed to is just too much. We can't take it all in.  Every day we hear about terrible things going on in the world.  Prior to the communication revolution, we only knew what was going on in our own little place in the world, and that was enough.  This morning I woke up, turned on my computer to do some writing and I'm faced with the headline "Huge Quake and Tsunami Hit Japan".  I'm immediately devastated by this news. How many people have died??  What is happening with our planet??  I feel helpless.

My problems are so big one moment, and the next moment so small.  As my money disappears, my fear increases and I find that I'm distracting myself rather than going into the fire.  I have to get through this challenging time with my mom, and my finances, and my fears about the World. Yes, I feel embarrassed, stupid, dysfunctional.  Yes, I made many mistakes and could have done things different.  Yes, I've had bad things happen to me, and terrible things happen in our World.  But I am who I am.  Without money I'm still me.  Aren't I?????

As Deepak Chopra tweeted yesterday "The sole cause of death is birth".

I am here on this earth today. I will survive until I die.  I will live my best life today.

I'm sending prayers to all effected by the devastation in Japan.  And sending love to all of you, who walk with me on this sometimes treacherous path of life.  Let's walk towards each other and ourselves, and not run away.

Waking the Sleeping Giant

I thought I'd take a moment today to update everyone on my "Rescue Me" project.  Things are moving slowly, but they are moving.  I was greatly motivated by the Integrative Nutrition Conference in Miami.  I came back more committed than ever to being a Health Coach.  At the same time, I will be getting my resume out to Fitness Centers, Health Centers, etc. to see if there are any actual job possibilities.  However, with my responsibilities to managing my mom's life, I'm still nervous about taking any kind of full time position.  But I'm going fishing in any case.  One never knows where the next opportunity will be.

For today I'm going to practice sharing about my Health Coaching business.

As many of you know, I've been studying fitness, yoga, nutrition, health, healing and transformation, for probably 20 years now.  Many of my friends and family think I'm a little crazy, but I'm more than grateful for all that I've learned.  I feel younger and more vibrant now than I did 20 years ago.  Yet I'm far from perfect and I still have so much to learn.  The education of Catherine will never stop.  I also still have so much to do:  write my resume, finish my brochure, redo my website, print off materials, design workshops, and of course, write my book :).

But each day that goes by, I'm missing sharing all that I've learned with others.  I have the knowledge, the experience, the compassion, and the commitment to support others in having greater health and energy in their lives.  Whether it's the need to let go of stress, get trimmer, more fit, or heal from the many conditions that plague us as we age, I can offer cutting edge information, tools, and most of all great support, to get to you to your healthiest you, once and for all.  And I know how to do this without sacrifice and misery. Believe it or not, what I can provide will actually be more fun and bring more joy to your life. 

Because I can't wait to do the work I believe I am meant to do, I'm putting this out to all my friends.  Help yourself, as you help me jumpstart my health coaching business.  Contact me to set up a free health consult and if you decide to work with me you will get an amazing deal.  We can work, by phone, Skype, or in person, depending on where you are.  Or you can organize your own group to work with me, which will be even more cost effective for you.  Wow, this sounds so sales pitchy, but I don't know how else to offer this gift of better health.  We need all the strength we can muster these days to deal with the challenges of life.  You matter!!!   I'll still love you whether you do this or not.  You can contact me through Facebook, my website catherinecrocket.com, my e-mail cathyoga1@yahoo.com, or phone 508-272-2181.

A Picture Worth a Thousand Words

When I posted this picture on Facebook yesterday, I was startled by the reaction it got. This photograph is now traveling around the World to who knows where. Many eyes will see it and stare at it with wonderment.

On this walk through the woods, I stopped along the path and looked at the light and patterns around me. Then with my camera I began to explore what I was seeing more closely. And then a whole new world opened up.

This photo represents a way of being in life that I strive for. I guess I would call it "going deeper into the experience of life". We've all heard the expression "stop and smell the roses", but that doesn't hold our attention for long.

In our society, there is no time to stop. These days most of us are moving very fast through life. We drive in cars, fly thousands of miles in a day, surf the internet, exercise fast, talk fast, eat fast, listen fast, think even faster, and rarely do we stop and absorb what is happening in this very moment.

There are moments in life when nature is putting on a show that will never happen again in that same way. And there are moments in life where some person, or your child, or even your own self, wants or needs your attention (listening, watching, touching, loving, or just being) and that moment will never happen again in that same way. I am painfully aware that I can never go back and capture those lost moments. All I can do is capture a moment today, and today and today.

It takes practice to slow down these days. We think surely we will miss something. But no, surely we will see something, and it could make all the difference.

Deciding to Be Happy

I laid in bed for two hours this morning feeling my deep depression. It has been quite a while since it has visited me and taken me down so far. I tried focusing on my breath feeling the air soften me from the inside. It felt good, but the thoughts did not go away. Why am I so lost? Why do I feel so useless? Why am I such a failure? Why am I so alone? And why do I let myself get so self absorbed with "poor me". That is when I really go down, when I start beating myself up for being down.

Some people would say I need to find Jesus. Others would say I just need to work, work, work!! Still others would say I need to go help others less fortunate. And others would say just get dressed and go out on this beautiful day. But depression doesn't want to hear these solutions. It wants to tie you up and throw you in the dungeon of life. I know people who work hard and are depressed, who are very religious and are depressed, who have kids and a spouse and are depressed. I don't really know why some of us suffer more than others, but it just seems to be the way it is. No reason.

But I have learned not to stay there long. I actually got myself up and now I'm writing and looking forward to the day. It's a decision that I know I can make now. I decide to be happy. There is no reason for happiness. It is just a choice we make. If I wait for the reason, I will never get out of bed.

I guess I like to explore the depth of the human experience. Artists, writers, dancers, actors, all do this. But if you do this without a place to express what you discover and get creative, you can stay stuck in the depression. Those of us who tend to feel the depth of despair can then use it, and choose to do something with it. We can dance with it, learn from it, write about it, or sing about it. And we help others out of their despair, which we can do with great compassion, because we have been there.

Of course some artists don't get out of their depression. Apparently Vincent Van Gogh was not able to feel good about what he was doing. And yet, he has become one of the greatest artists of all time. The first time I saw the original "Starry Night", I stood and wept without understanding why. Van Gogh's art moves me. He is long gone, but what he has left behind has energy, emotion, and life in it. I look at the brush strokes and can feel his touch. Amazing.

Well, I'm rambling and have promised myself to keep my blogs somewhat short. I'm ready to fix my green smoothie, finish up some year end work, including making some contributions to good causes, and hopefully take a short walk.

Today, December 31, 2010 can either be the end of 10 years of struggle or the culmination of a great journey. This can be my worst day ever or my best day ever. My choice, my moment, my time to create. I will chose happiness today and I wish it for you too. Love and peace to all.

Hmmmmmmm, More Excuses.

I'm driving back home today after spending a long weekend with my mom. I just signed on to my blog and remembered that I was supposed to work on my goals. But the paper is still blank. I get totally distracted when I come to my mom's house and get lost in another world. Another excuse!!! Now I will be in the car for a few hours until I get home. Another Excuse!!

Wait, maybe I can think about my goals while I'm driving. I usually listen to my Integrative Nutrition modules or books on tape. I wonder if I could think about my goals? Well, I might give it a try.

I do have one idea for this week. I'm going to offer all my friends and family a free health consultation and a discount on the six month program. This is a great time of year to get started with my health coaching, as many people want to make a fresh start for the New Year. So, I going to just do it! I too need to make a fresh start for the new year. I have too much knowledge and presence (more on presence later), to keep to myself.

As I write, I hear myself in a different way. It wakes me up to bad thought habits and gets things out of my head. For those of you reading my blog, feel free to give feedback if you think something might be helpful. This process is about exposing myself to myself, and often others can see things that I can't. I have been stuck for a long time now and sometimes I might need someone to throw me a rope. :)

Now, I need to get ready to hit the road again.

The Birth of Motivation and Overcoming the Excuse Trap

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." ~ Helen Keller

I have zig zagged through life, experiencing a variety of jobs, relationships, places, challenges. I read books, take workshops, and am always studying and learning new things. Yes, I'm a student of life and It feels like this is my calling - to be an explorer, to always be searching, and longing for more. But now I have to take all this life experience and put it to work to build the financial foundation I need to live out this next chapter in my life.

I'm not sure how things will play out. We never do. But I see the importance of setting goals along the way. Without setting our sights somewhere, we flounder in uncertainty, lack motivation, and are left wallowing in all the excuses why we can't take off to the next destination. This is where I am at the moment. I'm working hard and going nowhere.

All the schooling in the world, will not lift me off if I don't choose to go. And go I must. As Marianne Williamson wrote in her book, "The Age of Miracles”, even though we feel it’s time to hang up our hats, it is actually time to finally be and do what we were meant to do. NOW!

So, why do I still make excuses. Why do I allow myself to be pulled off course in so many other directions. The excuses are endless: I need to take care of my mom, I have to finish getting organized, I have too much to do, I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know where to go to do it (whatever it is), and on and on and on. Totally useless territory. OK, enough.

The next couple of months I will be building my Health Coaching Business and at the same time, looking at possibilities of working in a more structured environment, maybe like a real job!!

On these pages I will share the journey, the struggles, the questions and the successes along the way. My first task this week will be to look at, and write down specific goals for the next six months. I will then break this down into weekly goals. I will put in place the structure I lack, and finally stop interacting with the excuses.

Here's something of a poem I wrote today:


I see myself flying here and there, to the farthest edges of human experiences.
There I see and feel all the fear, the despair, the loss, the loneliness, the hopelessness.
I fly into the light and then back to the dark.
I soar up and then down.
I go forward to unknown space, then back into the web of distant memories.
I struggle, I question, I doubt.
And finally in the stillness,
I feel the peace of the only place that really matters,
this, and only this moment.

Rescuing Me

I have rewritten this whole piece so many times. I guess it is just hard to speak the truth about where I am in my life. So this is the best I can say it right now.

I originally was going to title this "Saving Catherine". Then I went to "Reinventing Myself" because it sounded more positive. But then I realized that I'm always reinventing myself, and that is nothing new. Now it's "Rescuing Me".

It's time for me to rescue me because I'm falling fast financially, and I have no clear plan to get myself out of the situation I find myself in. You see, I have always been the rescuer. For many years now I've had plenty of money, and I felt that it was not right for me to hold onto my money if others were in need. I wanted to share whatever wealth I had. So, I kept helping out others financially and doing whatever I could to make life better for others. Yes, and me too. Then the real estate bubble burst, and the money stopped growing, but I didn't stop giving it away and lived as if I still had money coming in. The money kept going out, and going out, until I reached the inevitable place of seeing clearly that I would be flat broke within the next year or even sooner if any kind of disaster struck. So, now I have no choice but to stop spending and find a way to generate money to live on for the future.

When things are going bad, we tend to become embarrassed, ashamed, and want to hide from everyone. We don't want people to see our weakness or vulnerability. I definitely feel like this and would love to just hide out, but there is too much at stake.

We all have our unique challenges. But knowing that others have challenges, some far worse than mine, does not give me any fuel to deal with my own life. It is much easier for me to focus on others and be compassionate and helpful to them. But with me it's another story.

What is the solution? I always have great solutions to help other people change their lives and make things better. And other people will have great solutions for me. But I'm the one that has to do this and live with the consequences of my actions. For years I have had the financial wherewithal to function, shop, give, and create. Money was the paintbrush that I used to create my life. I could have easily held back and saved money, but I did what felt right in the moment.

When my Dad was dying, I had to stop teaching regular yoga classes because I needed flexibility to be with my mom and dad. When Dad died, I took on the responsibility of managing my mom's life. I had no idea what this would entail, but it ended up being much more work than I ever imagined. Now, even though I find myself facing financial ruin, I can still see that my financial wherewithal was a blessing that allowed me the time to be with my parents, and devote myself to helping others.

But today I find myself at a new crossroad, and something must be done.

To be continued.......

In Your Face (On Facebook)

It has been well over a year now since I first got on Facebook. The experience has been evolving slowly, from the initial first step of just getting a profile picture on, then accumulating a few friends, then finding friends from the past (or having them find you), and finally figuring out what the heck I wanted to say to all these people. Do I just keep things shallow, mention the weather, a nice sunset, a good movie I saw? Or do I dare go deeper, sharing my real feelings and fears, and my views of the world? I decided to go a little deeper. However, I don't particularly like starting political firestorms on Facebook. So, how do I find the right balance and tone? Can I avoid offending people? Probably not, but I hope to try - not to offend that is :). (Good luck with that one Catherine!!). At least it seems that I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable with my posts, and I know for sure that this medium of expression will continue to evolve, and so will I.

So now, I'm going to add to my public exposure by keeping up with writing my blog and encouraging people to read it. Now THIS is frightening. What will people think of me? I even worry that people will be criticizing my grammar. I have no editor at the moment. And then there is the fact that I grew up with parents who were extremely private people. One NEVER aired their dirty laundry!! But then I've always been a bit of a rebel, and usually do the opposite of what my parents would have done. After all, I'm a child of the sixties and rode the wave of the whole Hippie, and women's liberation movement.

In any case, I will apologize in advance if I offend or disturb anyone. For the most part I try to stay in the light and be a loving and compassionate person, but I still (as we all do) have a dark side and can get feisty sometimes. I'm far from perfect, but I do the best I can to listen and learn from my experiences. So, I'm removing (most of) my armor and becoming vulnerable to whatever this process brings me.

I'm also doing this because I've always wanted to write. This is a good way to get my feet wet. I also realize that writing about oneself, can seem very self-absorbed. Some people have referred to the book "Eat, Pray, Love" as being self-absorbed. That is what happens when one writes about their own life experiences. So, what I'm doing IS self-absorbed, but I'm all I have to work with at the moment. I can only hope that something of what I write will also be helpful to someone else, or at least maybe be amusing. So, here I go.

Lessons from Europe

For the past few years I have been so fortunate to be able to participate in bike/barge trips in Europe. I go with my biking group from Duxbury (20 of us). They are a great group of people and the affordable price of the trips makes it hard to say "no". But this year my friend Annie joined me and we decided to spend some extra time in Europe at the end of the biking trip. It was a challenging and interesting time, but changed the experience by making it less affordable both financially and time wise.


I learned that I'm not at a stage in my life where I can afford the luxury of long stays abroad. Perhaps if I can get my life on a better track and get some income coming in I can do that some day. But today, it is a different story. I will continue this on my next post called "Saving Catherine".