Dancing on the Branches

The last few years I feel more like I'm dancing on the branches of death. It started with my dad's deterioration and death, over two years ago. I had no idea how to be with this situation. We ended up bringing my dad home to die. It was so strange to have an ambulance bring my dad to his home, rather than taking him to the hospital. The Hospice experience did not meet my expectations, and watching my dad slowly die was the hardest thing I had ever been through. The day my dad died, a good friend and neighbor of mine in Plymouth was diagnosed with lung cancer and died a few months later.

Then began the vigil with my mom. I did not know if she would last very long after dad died, but she is still hanging on. Now at the age of 91 she is still doing quite well physically, but has serious dementia. Day by day, I watch my mom losing her mind. As she let's go of life, I also have to learn to let go. I never expected my mom to outlive my dad. She was always sick when I was a kid. I even find myself asking if there is something I need to learn from her before she goes. I just don't know. This is so hard for me and I feel alone and frustrated.

Fortunately, I just read Gail Sheehy's book "Passages for Caregivers". This book has brought me much comfort in realizing that I'm not alone in this struggle and that I'm doing the best I can. So much to learn, that I never wanted to learn. So much to do, that I never wanted to do. We don't sign up for this job. It is the hardest job I've ever done, and there is very little reward.

So, I'm learning to live, as I'm being with death. What will be next?

Moving, Living and Learning

This past year I ended up moving six times. I won't bore you with the details, nor do I care to relive the experience. But I would like to share what I learned. I realized that being a gypsy is not such a great thing. Although I want to explore, travel and learn, I think I can do this without having to move my stuff, or put it in storage, and worry whether I'll have a roof over my head next month. I have come to realize that I need a home base, a place to keep what matters, and a place to come home to when I need a break from my travels. Too much time and energy was expended moving and finding places to stay. This is time and energy I need for other things.

So after six moves, I decided to rent an unfurnished apartment. I have a year lease and could certainly stay here longer if I need to. This is a sort of garage apartment, but more like a carriage house on a family's property. The living area is upstairs with 4 large skylights. The light coming in is amazing and will be perfect for me to work on projects and study. I'm alone, but know that there are people around. I'm in the woods, but with the ocean only a few minutes a way. There are beaches, places to walk, golf, bike ride, and the yoga studio is only 5 minutes away. While some of my friends think I should go back to city life, I just don't feel drawn to that at the moment. So, for now this feels like a good place to land.

About a Place, About a Family

If I close my eyes I can smell the sweet scent of the air, at my one time home in Palm Desert, California. I've not been back since I sold my place there. It's as if my landing pad is gone, so there is no place soft to land. Now I know what a difference a place makes. It will never be the same going back and staying in a hotel.

But it's not just the place that is gone, it's the people. My how life's patterns change. I first started going to Palm Desert when my Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob retired there. Then my cousin Bruce moved there, and also my cousin Mary Kay and her husband. So, Palm Desert became a family affair. My mom and dad made regular visits and finally I decided to buy a condo in a golf community called Marrakesh. It was a home away from home, in the exotic land of desert surrounded by towering snow capped mountains. A place to relax, swim, hike and explore. A place for my dad to play golf, and for families to reunite.

Then a few years back, Aunt Betty passed away and the pattern changed. My mom would not go back. It was too heartbreaking for her to go there with her sister gone. There was a void left by this amazing woman, who always went out of her way to make you feel like you were the most special person in the whole world. Then my dad, the man who infected me with his passion for golf passed away too. The picture was fractured. The couples no more.

So, this week Uncle Bob passed away at 94, just a few short months after his last day of work at the Desert Springs Marriot. What a legacy he leaves. He was a story teller, full of laughter, wisdom and deep love and devotion to all things. I'm so grateful to have known this man. He leaves me with great memories of road runners, hummingbirds, chocolate milk shakes, and so much more. I will always cherish that evening on my terrace, as we watched the clouds evaporate as they came over the mountain tops into the dry desert air. You may be gone, but I will never forget you. Thank you Uncle Bob. And thank you Aunt Betty. You are together once again.

Moving to a Better Place: Pillow Talk

The physical act of moving to different places this year, has illuminated so much for me. Moving to a better place in your life is just not an easy process. But it does take changing, either your mind, your circumstances (not always), your environment, your thoughts, etc.

The bed I sleep in at this house I'm renting is really comfortable and the room is dark and cozy. I don't know how good the mattress is, but it has a cushioned mattress pad on it, that makes me feel like I'm sleeping on a cloud. But last week I decided to get my down comforter out of my storage unit for the winter. Well, last night I put the comforter on, and between the cushy mattress and the comforter I felt like an angel enveloped in a cloud. It was magical how good I felt!!! What a wonderful nights sleep I had, but then it does make it a little harder to get out from underneath all this softness in the morning. :)

So many people have trouble sleeping, but most end up by just taking the quick fix - a pill. If you want to try a more effective, but maybe more difficult process, take a good look at your mattress and sleeping environment. What could be changed for the better? If you don't see anything immediately, just change everything. The position of the bed, the furniture in the room (definitely no clutter in the bedroom), the mattress, the wall color, the curtains, the smell, the rug, the pictures on the wall. If you just want to try changing the bed and don't want to buy a new mattress, here are the smaller things you can buy. New pillows. Many people are sleeping with a dead pillow. Yes, it is (was) your favorite pillow, but it has lost what originally made it your favorite, yet you won't let it go (this could be true of a lot of things in your life). So, I won't tell you to throw out your favorite pillow (yet), but go to the store and feel some new pillows. Buy 2 or 3 different ones and bring them to their new home. Surround your head and body with the new pillows. If you have someone you share the bed with, ask them to give you a night alone with your pillows. They should not be jealous, and if they are, then that could be another one of your problems :)

It always feels good to have a pillow between your knees if you sleep on your side, or under your knees if you sleep on your back. And then try holding onto one pillow (maybe your favorite dead one as you say goodbye to it).

The other thing to buy would be a new mattress pad, either feather, down or synthetic (if you have allergies) but the cushier the better. You might have noticed that many hotels use them now.

If you don't think you will like a comforter (and you don't like change), borrow someone's for the night. Just know that comforters come in all different varieties; feather, down, and all kinds of hypoallergenic materials. They also come in various weights and patterns. The diamond stitched or square stitched comforters hold the down in place so it doesn't shift all to one end. I highly recommend these. If you have a favorite blanket, you might just get a light (summer weight) comforter to add some cushiness to your sleep. Comforters still provide comfort when used with other blankets. The word "comfort" is what it's all about.

Some people don't know that they are not comfortable, because being uncomfortable is all they have ever known, and they accept that as the norm. We are all creatures of habit, but those people are particularly adverse to change for the better. This is because if they change one thing, they might see that their whole life needs some change and it probably does. If you are happy, but you make everyone around you miserable, you might be one of these people.

But let's just get back to sleeping. If you sleep with someone who snores, smells, thrashes around, gets up and down at night, falls asleep with the light on, or gets up and reads in the middle of the night, it might be time to opt for separate bedrooms. You probably aren't having much sex anyway. Very few people are sleep compatible and this is really O.K. I understand if you have kids it might be hard to have a separate bedroom, but I'm just trying to shake up your world. More about this another time. I need to go sit in the sun for a few minutes.

That would be a good name for my book "Shake Up Your World!!"


Create a garden
Create space
Sit on the floor
Go anyplace new!
Turn off the TV or Computer
Learn something new
Meet someone new
Read
Play
Move
Move
Move

"The Books Never Written"

I woke up this morning after a very long nights sleep. Near the end I was dreaming that I was teaching a spontaneous yoga class. It started with two people. I told them I would be right back as I had to get some music and water. When I returned the room had been taken over by another group. So we found another room to use. By now I had run into people in the hall who wanted to join in. I started teaching and more people started coming in. Suddenly Rodney Yee was there and he asked me why I was yelling and shouldn't I use a mike. There is one right here he said, but I told him I didn't know how to use it. All of a sudden I had this room full of people who were talking to each other or distracting me from teaching. I could not get back control. People started leaving. I tried to get everyone back on track, leading them through some poses. But no one could keep with it. Then I saw something wrong with my car far away by a pond. I went to do something with the car and when I returned all the students were gone. I felt like such an idiot and a failure.

So now I am awake looking at a similar life. I have noticed through experience that it is extremely difficult to get "type A" personalities to slow down to the pace of yoga. I, of course, think I should take on the most challenging people to teach. So I'm thinking I should start a course called "Yoga for Type A people".

This has been one of the dilemmas of my life. If I teach or help people who want to be taught or helped, it is easy and satisfying for me. But if I try to teach people who are resistant, when I fail, I use that against myself. So why and what should I do about this? Part of me does not want to sing to the choir. I see the resistant people as the most in need of what I teach. I would love to get my hands on the Taliban!! Just kidding. But whether it is the Type A personalities, ultra conservative Republicans, religious fanatics, drug and alchohol addicts, why do I think it is my job to take them on? Well enough of that, I could surely write a book on this.

So, along with that I woke up pondering how I am constantly coming up with titles for books I could write and often start writing them in my head. But I lose it when I try to put things on paper. Wow I doubt young people say "put things on paper". I am part of a rapidly changing world. I have lots of excuses, but the fact of the matter is, there are no books written by Catherine Crocket. I don't even like my name. I used to think I would have to change my name to become famous.

I read this morning that we went from 5,000 websites in 1994 to 400 million (and more every second) today. It is humanly impossible to keep up with everything at our finger tips. So now with things like Twitter and Facebook, we are becoming "sound bite" people. More and more we are disconnecting from each other, from the earth, and from our own selves. More and more we are living in a virtual world. I could go on and on regarding this subject and surely write a book.

So, you can see how my mind jumps around and explores multiple issues in life. This is just the first hour of my day!!!!! I have real work to do, like finding new health insurance, and working on my credit and financial problems. Anything to distract me. I am also fighting off either a cold or yeast infection in my body. I really should just rest. Welcome to my world!!!!

Where I Ended Up

After looking at many, many places, I finally decided to move to the quaint little town of Marion. I need a place to hibernate, yet not feel isolated. In this little village I can ride my bike, walk or run for miles without a lot of traffic around.

I will still be going back and forth to Connecticut to keep an eye on Mom, but will have a place to retreat to and have my privacy.

I want so much to write, read, and complete the projects I haven't finished. My goal is to tie up many of the loose ends of my life by the end of the year. I have a strong desire to get smaller and smaller. The stuff of life overwhelmed me and was pulling me under. Now, as I let go of more and more material possessions, I feel freer and freer to be who I was meant to be. I will turn 60 next year and it is time for me to stop sabotaging myself and fly.

At the moment I am sabotaging myself with sugar. I can feel the yeast taking over my body. Can I find the discipline to say NO to sugar. I have done it before, but it feels harder this time. Always, I need some distraction. For now I will just rest and get settled in this new place.

I am working to make each day, each moment, the best that it can be. More and more anyway. Finding peace from within.

Where to Go?

This is a most unusual place I find myself in. I don't know where to go. I decided to rent my house out for two years and at the moment I am a bit lost. Where does one go when you don't have a job, a spouse, children or anything really to provide you some direction. I am so confused at the moment, my head is aching. Although the headache could be from the Cosmo and bad food I ate last night. I remember from workshops done in the past, that things can feel pretty awful right before a major breakthrough, so I hope this is the case. It hurts my head to even write about where I am.

So, Catherine, take a breath and write down all the options you are looking at.

1. Move back to Connecticut to be close to my 90 year old mother, and live at my friend Cindy's house until she sells it. It is currently on the market. Can't bring the cat. Don't have any clients there. No ocean close by. Conservative thinking people there.

2. Move to Marion, MA to try a new area, and be close to 495 for driving to my mom's, and closer to Providence for some social life, and maybe Swing Dancing.

3. Move to a cute little cottage on the beach in Duxbury for the winter.

4. Move into Lori's condo here in the Pinehills until she is able to sell it.

5. Move to Priscilla Beach area or Manomet to a winter rental.

It is amazing how when I write things down, there is a definite feeling that I get when reading each statement, that is definitely clearer than when everything is kept in our thoughts.

So, now that I wrote this much down I am going to take a break and come back and look at it again. More later.