A Picture Worth a Thousand Words

When I posted this picture on Facebook yesterday, I was startled by the reaction it got. This photograph is now traveling around the World to who knows where. Many eyes will see it and stare at it with wonderment.

On this walk through the woods, I stopped along the path and looked at the light and patterns around me. Then with my camera I began to explore what I was seeing more closely. And then a whole new world opened up.

This photo represents a way of being in life that I strive for. I guess I would call it "going deeper into the experience of life". We've all heard the expression "stop and smell the roses", but that doesn't hold our attention for long.

In our society, there is no time to stop. These days most of us are moving very fast through life. We drive in cars, fly thousands of miles in a day, surf the internet, exercise fast, talk fast, eat fast, listen fast, think even faster, and rarely do we stop and absorb what is happening in this very moment.

There are moments in life when nature is putting on a show that will never happen again in that same way. And there are moments in life where some person, or your child, or even your own self, wants or needs your attention (listening, watching, touching, loving, or just being) and that moment will never happen again in that same way. I am painfully aware that I can never go back and capture those lost moments. All I can do is capture a moment today, and today and today.

It takes practice to slow down these days. We think surely we will miss something. But no, surely we will see something, and it could make all the difference.

Deciding to Be Happy

I laid in bed for two hours this morning feeling my deep depression. It has been quite a while since it has visited me and taken me down so far. I tried focusing on my breath feeling the air soften me from the inside. It felt good, but the thoughts did not go away. Why am I so lost? Why do I feel so useless? Why am I such a failure? Why am I so alone? And why do I let myself get so self absorbed with "poor me". That is when I really go down, when I start beating myself up for being down.

Some people would say I need to find Jesus. Others would say I just need to work, work, work!! Still others would say I need to go help others less fortunate. And others would say just get dressed and go out on this beautiful day. But depression doesn't want to hear these solutions. It wants to tie you up and throw you in the dungeon of life. I know people who work hard and are depressed, who are very religious and are depressed, who have kids and a spouse and are depressed. I don't really know why some of us suffer more than others, but it just seems to be the way it is. No reason.

But I have learned not to stay there long. I actually got myself up and now I'm writing and looking forward to the day. It's a decision that I know I can make now. I decide to be happy. There is no reason for happiness. It is just a choice we make. If I wait for the reason, I will never get out of bed.

I guess I like to explore the depth of the human experience. Artists, writers, dancers, actors, all do this. But if you do this without a place to express what you discover and get creative, you can stay stuck in the depression. Those of us who tend to feel the depth of despair can then use it, and choose to do something with it. We can dance with it, learn from it, write about it, or sing about it. And we help others out of their despair, which we can do with great compassion, because we have been there.

Of course some artists don't get out of their depression. Apparently Vincent Van Gogh was not able to feel good about what he was doing. And yet, he has become one of the greatest artists of all time. The first time I saw the original "Starry Night", I stood and wept without understanding why. Van Gogh's art moves me. He is long gone, but what he has left behind has energy, emotion, and life in it. I look at the brush strokes and can feel his touch. Amazing.

Well, I'm rambling and have promised myself to keep my blogs somewhat short. I'm ready to fix my green smoothie, finish up some year end work, including making some contributions to good causes, and hopefully take a short walk.

Today, December 31, 2010 can either be the end of 10 years of struggle or the culmination of a great journey. This can be my worst day ever or my best day ever. My choice, my moment, my time to create. I will chose happiness today and I wish it for you too. Love and peace to all.

Hmmmmmmm, More Excuses.

I'm driving back home today after spending a long weekend with my mom. I just signed on to my blog and remembered that I was supposed to work on my goals. But the paper is still blank. I get totally distracted when I come to my mom's house and get lost in another world. Another excuse!!! Now I will be in the car for a few hours until I get home. Another Excuse!!

Wait, maybe I can think about my goals while I'm driving. I usually listen to my Integrative Nutrition modules or books on tape. I wonder if I could think about my goals? Well, I might give it a try.

I do have one idea for this week. I'm going to offer all my friends and family a free health consultation and a discount on the six month program. This is a great time of year to get started with my health coaching, as many people want to make a fresh start for the New Year. So, I going to just do it! I too need to make a fresh start for the new year. I have too much knowledge and presence (more on presence later), to keep to myself.

As I write, I hear myself in a different way. It wakes me up to bad thought habits and gets things out of my head. For those of you reading my blog, feel free to give feedback if you think something might be helpful. This process is about exposing myself to myself, and often others can see things that I can't. I have been stuck for a long time now and sometimes I might need someone to throw me a rope. :)

Now, I need to get ready to hit the road again.

The Birth of Motivation and Overcoming the Excuse Trap

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." ~ Helen Keller

I have zig zagged through life, experiencing a variety of jobs, relationships, places, challenges. I read books, take workshops, and am always studying and learning new things. Yes, I'm a student of life and It feels like this is my calling - to be an explorer, to always be searching, and longing for more. But now I have to take all this life experience and put it to work to build the financial foundation I need to live out this next chapter in my life.

I'm not sure how things will play out. We never do. But I see the importance of setting goals along the way. Without setting our sights somewhere, we flounder in uncertainty, lack motivation, and are left wallowing in all the excuses why we can't take off to the next destination. This is where I am at the moment. I'm working hard and going nowhere.

All the schooling in the world, will not lift me off if I don't choose to go. And go I must. As Marianne Williamson wrote in her book, "The Age of Miracles”, even though we feel it’s time to hang up our hats, it is actually time to finally be and do what we were meant to do. NOW!

So, why do I still make excuses. Why do I allow myself to be pulled off course in so many other directions. The excuses are endless: I need to take care of my mom, I have to finish getting organized, I have too much to do, I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know where to go to do it (whatever it is), and on and on and on. Totally useless territory. OK, enough.

The next couple of months I will be building my Health Coaching Business and at the same time, looking at possibilities of working in a more structured environment, maybe like a real job!!

On these pages I will share the journey, the struggles, the questions and the successes along the way. My first task this week will be to look at, and write down specific goals for the next six months. I will then break this down into weekly goals. I will put in place the structure I lack, and finally stop interacting with the excuses.

Here's something of a poem I wrote today:


I see myself flying here and there, to the farthest edges of human experiences.
There I see and feel all the fear, the despair, the loss, the loneliness, the hopelessness.
I fly into the light and then back to the dark.
I soar up and then down.
I go forward to unknown space, then back into the web of distant memories.
I struggle, I question, I doubt.
And finally in the stillness,
I feel the peace of the only place that really matters,
this, and only this moment.

Rescuing Me

I have rewritten this whole piece so many times. I guess it is just hard to speak the truth about where I am in my life. So this is the best I can say it right now.

I originally was going to title this "Saving Catherine". Then I went to "Reinventing Myself" because it sounded more positive. But then I realized that I'm always reinventing myself, and that is nothing new. Now it's "Rescuing Me".

It's time for me to rescue me because I'm falling fast financially, and I have no clear plan to get myself out of the situation I find myself in. You see, I have always been the rescuer. For many years now I've had plenty of money, and I felt that it was not right for me to hold onto my money if others were in need. I wanted to share whatever wealth I had. So, I kept helping out others financially and doing whatever I could to make life better for others. Yes, and me too. Then the real estate bubble burst, and the money stopped growing, but I didn't stop giving it away and lived as if I still had money coming in. The money kept going out, and going out, until I reached the inevitable place of seeing clearly that I would be flat broke within the next year or even sooner if any kind of disaster struck. So, now I have no choice but to stop spending and find a way to generate money to live on for the future.

When things are going bad, we tend to become embarrassed, ashamed, and want to hide from everyone. We don't want people to see our weakness or vulnerability. I definitely feel like this and would love to just hide out, but there is too much at stake.

We all have our unique challenges. But knowing that others have challenges, some far worse than mine, does not give me any fuel to deal with my own life. It is much easier for me to focus on others and be compassionate and helpful to them. But with me it's another story.

What is the solution? I always have great solutions to help other people change their lives and make things better. And other people will have great solutions for me. But I'm the one that has to do this and live with the consequences of my actions. For years I have had the financial wherewithal to function, shop, give, and create. Money was the paintbrush that I used to create my life. I could have easily held back and saved money, but I did what felt right in the moment.

When my Dad was dying, I had to stop teaching regular yoga classes because I needed flexibility to be with my mom and dad. When Dad died, I took on the responsibility of managing my mom's life. I had no idea what this would entail, but it ended up being much more work than I ever imagined. Now, even though I find myself facing financial ruin, I can still see that my financial wherewithal was a blessing that allowed me the time to be with my parents, and devote myself to helping others.

But today I find myself at a new crossroad, and something must be done.

To be continued.......

In Your Face (On Facebook)

It has been well over a year now since I first got on Facebook. The experience has been evolving slowly, from the initial first step of just getting a profile picture on, then accumulating a few friends, then finding friends from the past (or having them find you), and finally figuring out what the heck I wanted to say to all these people. Do I just keep things shallow, mention the weather, a nice sunset, a good movie I saw? Or do I dare go deeper, sharing my real feelings and fears, and my views of the world? I decided to go a little deeper. However, I don't particularly like starting political firestorms on Facebook. So, how do I find the right balance and tone? Can I avoid offending people? Probably not, but I hope to try - not to offend that is :). (Good luck with that one Catherine!!). At least it seems that I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable with my posts, and I know for sure that this medium of expression will continue to evolve, and so will I.

So now, I'm going to add to my public exposure by keeping up with writing my blog and encouraging people to read it. Now THIS is frightening. What will people think of me? I even worry that people will be criticizing my grammar. I have no editor at the moment. And then there is the fact that I grew up with parents who were extremely private people. One NEVER aired their dirty laundry!! But then I've always been a bit of a rebel, and usually do the opposite of what my parents would have done. After all, I'm a child of the sixties and rode the wave of the whole Hippie, and women's liberation movement.

In any case, I will apologize in advance if I offend or disturb anyone. For the most part I try to stay in the light and be a loving and compassionate person, but I still (as we all do) have a dark side and can get feisty sometimes. I'm far from perfect, but I do the best I can to listen and learn from my experiences. So, I'm removing (most of) my armor and becoming vulnerable to whatever this process brings me.

I'm also doing this because I've always wanted to write. This is a good way to get my feet wet. I also realize that writing about oneself, can seem very self-absorbed. Some people have referred to the book "Eat, Pray, Love" as being self-absorbed. That is what happens when one writes about their own life experiences. So, what I'm doing IS self-absorbed, but I'm all I have to work with at the moment. I can only hope that something of what I write will also be helpful to someone else, or at least maybe be amusing. So, here I go.

Lessons from Europe

For the past few years I have been so fortunate to be able to participate in bike/barge trips in Europe. I go with my biking group from Duxbury (20 of us). They are a great group of people and the affordable price of the trips makes it hard to say "no". But this year my friend Annie joined me and we decided to spend some extra time in Europe at the end of the biking trip. It was a challenging and interesting time, but changed the experience by making it less affordable both financially and time wise.


I learned that I'm not at a stage in my life where I can afford the luxury of long stays abroad. Perhaps if I can get my life on a better track and get some income coming in I can do that some day. But today, it is a different story. I will continue this on my next post called "Saving Catherine".