The Long Journey

"When faced with a radical crisis, when the old way of being in the world, of interacting with each other and with the realm of nature doesn't work anymore, when survival is threatened by seemingly insurmountable problems, an individual life-form (or a species) will either die or become extinct or rise above the limitations of its condition through an evolutionary leap". Eckhart Tolle

It was more then 20 years ago, while living in Boston that I had my first transformational experience by participating in Werner Erhardt's EST Training. The EST Training was a two weekend boot camp, which took us through extreme individual and group exercises in order for us to see ourselves, and the story we had created about our lives. We learned that we created our own reality and that we needed to take responsibility for our lives and stop blaming others and being victims. In the final session we learned that when all is said and done, life in fact, is empty and meaningless.......which I couldn't fully comprehend at the time.

That experience started me on a new journey, which included my first divorce, followed by my freedom ride, driving by myself across the United States and Canada for two months covering 12,000 miles. I did not realize it then, but I set off from that point in a direction that would take me 20 years (and still counting) of experiences and much suffering to finally return to myself. I did indeed stop blaming others, and took my sense of responsibility seriously, by feeling responsible for everyone elses suffering, blaming myself for everything that went wrong, and then inflicting tremendous internal verbal abuse towards a very kind, sensitive and loving woman.........me.

And here I am today, still picking up the pieces of my desecrated soul, brushing them off lovingly, crying and forgiving myself - for all the abuse I inflicted on this beautiful being who is myself... and all of life.

Chasing the Butterfly

"Self realization not lived doesn't mean a thing" said Byron Katie. This is what really penetrated my being as I watched her and Oprah discuss "the work" and Byron's book "Loving What Is". I remember that if you want the butterfly to land on you, you have to stop chasing it. I had become a master at chasing the butterfly. Always trying so hard, always wanting so much, always fighting with myself, feeling victimized by life.

So as I sink into this new found feeling of living now, and being fully present to what is, I become lighter and actually move through life both physically and mentally in a new way. I really believed before that if others were suffering, I had to suffer. But only by ceasing my own suffering can suffering end. What a relief.

I am very grateful to my computer tonight that I was able to watch such an engaging dialogue for free. I don't really need to say any more at this moment. Just peace.