Deciding to Be Happy

I laid in bed for two hours this morning feeling my deep depression. It has been quite a while since it has visited me and taken me down so far. I tried focusing on my breath feeling the air soften me from the inside. It felt good, but the thoughts did not go away. Why am I so lost? Why do I feel so useless? Why am I such a failure? Why am I so alone? And why do I let myself get so self absorbed with "poor me". That is when I really go down, when I start beating myself up for being down.

Some people would say I need to find Jesus. Others would say I just need to work, work, work!! Still others would say I need to go help others less fortunate. And others would say just get dressed and go out on this beautiful day. But depression doesn't want to hear these solutions. It wants to tie you up and throw you in the dungeon of life. I know people who work hard and are depressed, who are very religious and are depressed, who have kids and a spouse and are depressed. I don't really know why some of us suffer more than others, but it just seems to be the way it is. No reason.

But I have learned not to stay there long. I actually got myself up and now I'm writing and looking forward to the day. It's a decision that I know I can make now. I decide to be happy. There is no reason for happiness. It is just a choice we make. If I wait for the reason, I will never get out of bed.

I guess I like to explore the depth of the human experience. Artists, writers, dancers, actors, all do this. But if you do this without a place to express what you discover and get creative, you can stay stuck in the depression. Those of us who tend to feel the depth of despair can then use it, and choose to do something with it. We can dance with it, learn from it, write about it, or sing about it. And we help others out of their despair, which we can do with great compassion, because we have been there.

Of course some artists don't get out of their depression. Apparently Vincent Van Gogh was not able to feel good about what he was doing. And yet, he has become one of the greatest artists of all time. The first time I saw the original "Starry Night", I stood and wept without understanding why. Van Gogh's art moves me. He is long gone, but what he has left behind has energy, emotion, and life in it. I look at the brush strokes and can feel his touch. Amazing.

Well, I'm rambling and have promised myself to keep my blogs somewhat short. I'm ready to fix my green smoothie, finish up some year end work, including making some contributions to good causes, and hopefully take a short walk.

Today, December 31, 2010 can either be the end of 10 years of struggle or the culmination of a great journey. This can be my worst day ever or my best day ever. My choice, my moment, my time to create. I will chose happiness today and I wish it for you too. Love and peace to all.