"The Books Never Written"

I woke up this morning after a very long nights sleep. Near the end I was dreaming that I was teaching a spontaneous yoga class. It started with two people. I told them I would be right back as I had to get some music and water. When I returned the room had been taken over by another group. So we found another room to use. By now I had run into people in the hall who wanted to join in. I started teaching and more people started coming in. Suddenly Rodney Yee was there and he asked me why I was yelling and shouldn't I use a mike. There is one right here he said, but I told him I didn't know how to use it. All of a sudden I had this room full of people who were talking to each other or distracting me from teaching. I could not get back control. People started leaving. I tried to get everyone back on track, leading them through some poses. But no one could keep with it. Then I saw something wrong with my car far away by a pond. I went to do something with the car and when I returned all the students were gone. I felt like such an idiot and a failure.

So now I am awake looking at a similar life. I have noticed through experience that it is extremely difficult to get "type A" personalities to slow down to the pace of yoga. I, of course, think I should take on the most challenging people to teach. So I'm thinking I should start a course called "Yoga for Type A people".

This has been one of the dilemmas of my life. If I teach or help people who want to be taught or helped, it is easy and satisfying for me. But if I try to teach people who are resistant, when I fail, I use that against myself. So why and what should I do about this? Part of me does not want to sing to the choir. I see the resistant people as the most in need of what I teach. I would love to get my hands on the Taliban!! Just kidding. But whether it is the Type A personalities, ultra conservative Republicans, religious fanatics, drug and alchohol addicts, why do I think it is my job to take them on? Well enough of that, I could surely write a book on this.

So, along with that I woke up pondering how I am constantly coming up with titles for books I could write and often start writing them in my head. But I lose it when I try to put things on paper. Wow I doubt young people say "put things on paper". I am part of a rapidly changing world. I have lots of excuses, but the fact of the matter is, there are no books written by Catherine Crocket. I don't even like my name. I used to think I would have to change my name to become famous.

I read this morning that we went from 5,000 websites in 1994 to 400 million (and more every second) today. It is humanly impossible to keep up with everything at our finger tips. So now with things like Twitter and Facebook, we are becoming "sound bite" people. More and more we are disconnecting from each other, from the earth, and from our own selves. More and more we are living in a virtual world. I could go on and on regarding this subject and surely write a book.

So, you can see how my mind jumps around and explores multiple issues in life. This is just the first hour of my day!!!!! I have real work to do, like finding new health insurance, and working on my credit and financial problems. Anything to distract me. I am also fighting off either a cold or yeast infection in my body. I really should just rest. Welcome to my world!!!!

Where I Ended Up

After looking at many, many places, I finally decided to move to the quaint little town of Marion. I need a place to hibernate, yet not feel isolated. In this little village I can ride my bike, walk or run for miles without a lot of traffic around.

I will still be going back and forth to Connecticut to keep an eye on Mom, but will have a place to retreat to and have my privacy.

I want so much to write, read, and complete the projects I haven't finished. My goal is to tie up many of the loose ends of my life by the end of the year. I have a strong desire to get smaller and smaller. The stuff of life overwhelmed me and was pulling me under. Now, as I let go of more and more material possessions, I feel freer and freer to be who I was meant to be. I will turn 60 next year and it is time for me to stop sabotaging myself and fly.

At the moment I am sabotaging myself with sugar. I can feel the yeast taking over my body. Can I find the discipline to say NO to sugar. I have done it before, but it feels harder this time. Always, I need some distraction. For now I will just rest and get settled in this new place.

I am working to make each day, each moment, the best that it can be. More and more anyway. Finding peace from within.