Rescuing Me

I have rewritten this whole piece so many times. I guess it is just hard to speak the truth about where I am in my life. So this is the best I can say it right now.

I originally was going to title this "Saving Catherine". Then I went to "Reinventing Myself" because it sounded more positive. But then I realized that I'm always reinventing myself, and that is nothing new. Now it's "Rescuing Me".

It's time for me to rescue me because I'm falling fast financially, and I have no clear plan to get myself out of the situation I find myself in. You see, I have always been the rescuer. For many years now I've had plenty of money, and I felt that it was not right for me to hold onto my money if others were in need. I wanted to share whatever wealth I had. So, I kept helping out others financially and doing whatever I could to make life better for others. Yes, and me too. Then the real estate bubble burst, and the money stopped growing, but I didn't stop giving it away and lived as if I still had money coming in. The money kept going out, and going out, until I reached the inevitable place of seeing clearly that I would be flat broke within the next year or even sooner if any kind of disaster struck. So, now I have no choice but to stop spending and find a way to generate money to live on for the future.

When things are going bad, we tend to become embarrassed, ashamed, and want to hide from everyone. We don't want people to see our weakness or vulnerability. I definitely feel like this and would love to just hide out, but there is too much at stake.

We all have our unique challenges. But knowing that others have challenges, some far worse than mine, does not give me any fuel to deal with my own life. It is much easier for me to focus on others and be compassionate and helpful to them. But with me it's another story.

What is the solution? I always have great solutions to help other people change their lives and make things better. And other people will have great solutions for me. But I'm the one that has to do this and live with the consequences of my actions. For years I have had the financial wherewithal to function, shop, give, and create. Money was the paintbrush that I used to create my life. I could have easily held back and saved money, but I did what felt right in the moment.

When my Dad was dying, I had to stop teaching regular yoga classes because I needed flexibility to be with my mom and dad. When Dad died, I took on the responsibility of managing my mom's life. I had no idea what this would entail, but it ended up being much more work than I ever imagined. Now, even though I find myself facing financial ruin, I can still see that my financial wherewithal was a blessing that allowed me the time to be with my parents, and devote myself to helping others.

But today I find myself at a new crossroad, and something must be done.

To be continued.......