Moving Mom Didn't Go Well

About a week after mom moved down to the Life Guidance area where she was supposed to get more attention, things fell apart.  After mom was in bed one night one of the residences opened her door.  Eventually mom got up and went out to the common area where another resident was watching TV.  Apparently they got into a scuffle with each other and mom got pushed into a china cabinet and fractured her hip and shoulder.

It was a long night at the emergency room and then the next day mom had surgery to repair her hip.  She came through the surgery OK, but as you can imagine for someone almost 96 years old, it will be a long recovery.  After 10 days in the hospital, mom is rehabilitating in a nursing home.

Why, tell me why, do nursing homes have to look so dismal????  We must work to change this.  Nursing homes are where people often go near the very end of life because they need round the clock care.  The staff always says that the people there don't really notice the environment, but I believe on some level it matters!!!

I believe communities, businesses and people should all contribute time, money, and services to make nursing homes nicer.  It don't think it would be that difficult if everyone helped out.  After all, many of us will end up at these places someday.  

Moving Mom Again

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires

Will come to you!

What a challenging journey I have had managing my mom's life.  Little did I know almost 7 years ago when my dad died, that I would find myself where I am today.  I have learned what it means to have the patience of a saint, and so much more.  

I did my best to keep mom in her home for 4 years.  This entailed paying someone to come to the house twice a day to make sure she got up and dressed in the morning, ate, had meds, water, and had a little companionship.  Her neighbor across the street, Dave also kept an eye on her.  For me it meant calling her every night and visiting every other weekend, until it became every weekend.  There were several trips to the hospital, in the beginning from anxiety attacks (she would shake uncontrollably) then a fall through the rotten back porch that seriously cut up one leg, and then finally she passed out in the summer heat one night because she would close the bedroom door and not allow the air conditioning to come in.  That was the final straw along with her wanderings out on the street,  and I knew I needed to move her some place safer.  Moving mom was about more than her safety and health.  It was also about the difficulty of  keeping up with a house that was sitting on top of a wet, moldy basement filled with 54 years of debris, with a rotten deck and a big yard to take care of.  So many issues.  But finally I found a reasonably priced assisted living place with a lovely apartment to move her to.  It broke my heart to have mom leave her home, but she didn't even know she was home when she was there.  That eased my heartbreak and guilt a little, but not much.  I cried my heart out when I went to sign the contract, and cried my heart out again the night before the move.

Because of my mom's dementia I have had to work behind the scenes to make sure she has what she needs and to advocate for her.  When I realized the aids who worked at the Assisted Living Place were not good at putting mom to bed and getting her up in the morning, I had to hire a private aid Elsa to help me.  Elsa has been a godsend to me, and to mom (although mom doesn't remember Elsa from day to day).

Stay with me

Something interesting happens when fear takes over me and I see no way out of a crisis.  I become frozen and unable to move.  This is a terrifying feeling, because it happens at a time when you most need to be taking action.

This is strange, because I can honestly say that if something happened to someone else and they needed help, I would probably jump into action.  So I don't really understand why I am so paralyzed at the moment.

I am working at regaining my strength, but I'm having to reach out to others for support.  I feel like I have no oxygen, and someone else needs to put the oxygen mask on me.  I can keep going and keep working, but I just need some love, encouragement and support.  It is such an odd feeling.  I'm broken, sad, defeated and feel so alone in my predicament.  I'm certain that I am somehow meant to go through this, so that I can better speak and help others who don't know where to begin.

It feels similar to what happens to people when they are choking.  I was trained that if you see someone choking and they get up and go toward the rest room, you should follow them.  People in our culture are so embarrassed when something goes very wrong, that they want to run and hide.  Yet that is when they are in dire need of help from others.  I want to run and hide right now!  Please don't let me disappear.  I'm not dead yet.  I just have to get through this tough spell and get back on my feet.  Stay with me now, and you can be sure I will be there for you in your time of need.

Oh, The Places I've Lived

Since I moved back to Connecticut over 2 years ago, I have sunk deeper and deeper into loneliness and depression.  Yes, there are lots of reasons for me to feel down: caring for my 95 year old mother with dementia, being away from friends, yet another heartbreak, running out of money, disconnection with family, and missing the ocean.  But I have all the tools to keep me positive, living in the moment, making each and every day the best day.  And indeed, my yoga has kept me afloat in many ways.  Yet my spirit feels so weak and tired, and I continue to feel lost and alone.

Lately each day, my friend Roberta posts a beautiful picture of sunrise on the water in Martha's Vineyard. The pictures have lit up my soul and always soothe my pain.  Today after seeing this particularly stunning photo, it finally hit me.  I have been fortunate in my life to live in some really extraordinary places.

Now for the last three years I have lived in apartment complexes in the Manchester area of Connecticut.  Even though my current apartment has trees outside my window, it still doesn't feed my soul enough.  I'm starving for the ocean nearby, the starlit nights, and the stimulation of nature.  If I had never known this beauty, I would not miss it so much.  

I Dreamed About My iPhone

I woke up this morning and realized I had had my first iPhone dream.  I was in some beautiful place in France and couldn't get the camera on my iPhone to work.  I asked this french women at an information booth to help me.  She got it working, but then I couldn't figure out what she had done.  By then there was a long line of people in the information line, and I couldn't wait to talk with her and had to leave.  My friend Sunny was in the dream too.  We had spoken on the phone last night about our upcoming bike trip to Croatia.

So what does my first iPhone dream mean?  I've been thinking a lot lately about how attached I've become to my iPhone. I worry that perhaps I'm addicted in some way.   I think in some ways yes, and in some ways no.  Nothing like this has ever existed before.  I have always had a curious mind, and now every answer to anything I want to know can be found on my iPhone.

I used to wake up in the morning feeling lonely and sometimes depressed.  It was a painful time.  Now I wake up in the morning and I can pick up my iPhone and connect with the world.  I can check in with all the people I care about, and get laughs or inspiration to start my day, like this video shared by my friend June:

This made my smile.

But at the same time I can catch the news and see clips about the tragedies of our world.  The internet can take me to any imaginable place.  This morning it also took me to that sad face of the father who lost his son to a violent attack in California this week.

This made me cry.

And then, in the midst of all the chatter of the world wide web,  I heard with great sadness that the mother of all voices is now quiet.  

Maya Angelou passed away today.  

The last few years, I have written many drafts for my blog but haven't posted them.  So much happened, so many journeys have been taken, so many lessons have been learned.  I moved back to Connecticut, moved my mom to Assisted Living, emptied the family house of 54 years of accumulation, got the house sold, started teaching many yoga classes, had heartbreaks, found love again, said goodbye to my cat Abigail, and on and on.  Now I'm taking a new course called B-School in hopes to get an on-line business going.  I continue to manage mom's life, and at the age of 95 she is still getting herself around on her own two feet.  Her mind is strange, but her spirit is amazing.  I hope to post more blog posts this year, as I continue to dance on the branches of life!!!