Goodbye 2022

Another challenging year has flown by! It started with another winter of caution as Covid continued to create new variants that kept spreading. At the same time my sister Nancy was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she was under hospice care at home. We were devastated by the news, even though I knew she had been failing for quite a while. But I hung in there teaching yoga through the winter months. In April I was determined to get away and took a much needed road trip to Florida to see Nancy's daughter Rita, husband Mike and their three girls, Samantha, Hayley and Charlotte. I stopped on the way in Silver Springs and stayed with my cousin David and wife Christine and their son. I also got to see Dave's former wife Jen who I adore. Then it was off to the Carolinas with an overnight then a visit to Savanah, Georgie, and stop at Fernando Beach on Amelia Island, a stop in Melbourne to see Frank and his wife Anh. I had a lovely stay in Florida on Hutchinson Island and enjoyed Easter in Port St. Lucie with Rita, Mike and the Girls. It was a bitter sweet trip, knowing my sister could pass at any moment. On my way back I stopped on Jekyll Island and then stopped in North Carolina to see Sue and Bill Kruse. Then up to Norfolk and across the Bay Bridge Tunnel to the Eastern Shore of Maryland. I spent a night in Ocean City MD, which was fun. 

A few weeks after my return to Connecticut, Nancy passed away on May 30th

 

As I entered the decade of my 60's, I often reflected on what my life would have been like "if"? There were so many twists and turns in my life. Every decision can effect the whole future of your existence. What if I had gone to a different college, taken a different job, gone on a different trip, or not answered a particular personal ad (back in 1988). Every person you meet, every corner you turn, opens up new (or no) possibilities.

Facebook enabled me to reconnect with old friends and boyfriends from long ago. I saw their lives unfold before me, the spouses they had (or had had), the children they raised, the careers they followed, and the journeys they took. Some of those journeys could have been mine if I had made different choices.

Some of my reflections were sad and wistful. I truly could have had a different life. In fact I could have had many, many different lives. Every day and every moment can change the path forward.  My favorite saying from the title of Dr. Seuss's book is "Oh, The Places You'll Go!"

Now after all these many years, I'm paying more attention to the choices I make each day. I'm changing my tune, and following my heart. Which means I'm trusting my self and my own instincts. There is so much freedom in this.

Today I'm listening to Elizabeth Gilberts book "Big Magic". If you haven't read it, you must. I love her discussion about being a martyr or a trickster. It will rock your world, especially if you are like me and tend to suffer through life.

Perhaps all that suffering brought me to where I am today. I have tremendous compassion for all beings. I'm fascinated by human nature and keep learning and growing as the human I am. Not giving up on myself or life has brought me here. I have much to create and while I know I will struggle with my deep rooted conditioning of the past, I see so much light ahead now. And I'm grateful for all I have learned.

There is a lot in what I wrote above, that could be expanded on and certainly better written. But I'm just getting things out.  Otherwise no one will know what is in the vast experiences of my mind.

Yes, My Life is Still a Mess, but Maybe it's a Good Mess

I haven't published anything on-line since October.  I write from time to time but don't finish it.  I think I got tired of writing about the mess of my life.  But today I thought, "screw it", and decided to let my thoughts out again.

After a long day teaching back to back yoga classes this morning, and then meeting with my tax preparer, I took myself out to dinner at Bertucci's and then browsed around Barnes & Noble afterwards.  I wanted to see what sort of Yoga Books were kicking around.  I saw nothing that wowed me or seemed interesting.  Then I looked at the nutrition and cooking books.  There were SO many books in that category.  So, I just confirmed for myself that there is a place in the World for my very own book on Yoga.  Now I just have to write it, and I promise you I will.

But as I do that, I must get my life back in some semblance of order.  I've been saying this for how long???  Oh dear.  Well, I'm saying it again.  While I was at Barnes & Noble, I took pictures of books I wanted to read and reminded myself that it's time to start going to the public library for my reading material.  This will save me lots of money, and give me a place to study and maybe even write.  But as I was leaving the store I picked up a little book titled "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up".  It has apparently made it to the NY Times Bestseller List.  It was just a small book and was 30% off, so I indulged myself in this small purchase.  At the cash register the clerk says to me, "You are going to love that book.  It changed my life".  I said "Thank you, I certainly hope it will change mine".

So, now I'm home on my couch on a Saturday night watching television, looking at my new book, eating the best gluten free cookies I've ever found, and writing.  I'm always multi-tasking, always trying to do way more than I can ever accomplish, wondering what will help me get through my mess.  I'm just too tired tonight to do the work.

I know that I need help, but I no longer can afford to hire people.  So, I'm going to start a new life of bartering.  I'm excited to be bartering photo organizing in exchange for health coaching/yoga.  I hope this first venture into bartering will go well.  But I need more.

I haven't been good lately about making to-do lists or writing things down in general.  I think it's because I don't want to see/acknowledge the scope of all that I need to do.  Or is it the scope of what I WANT to do.  What if I made a list and just scratched off half of it.  Do I need to do everything???  Why does my mind want to do so freakin much???

Well, here's some of my list:


Find health coaching clients
Create yoga workshops and find places to hold them
Start writing yoga book
Find way to get a website up, along with list building capability, and then create on-line programs.
Begin blogging about yoga, health and aging boomer issues
Start making yoga videos for youtube and my website
Find some way to earn money to pay off credit card debt
Finish B-School
Complete IIN Immersion course over the next 6 months
Organize files and paper work in a way that will support this next stage of my life
Input all recent business cards and contacts on my contact list.
Organize photographs
Finish going through mom & dad's memorabilia
Discard or sell all items no longer necessary for my life
Have my apartment cleaned

Now I have to figure out how to manage my time to do all this!!  All help, suggestions, work opportunities, support, love, and cheering me on are welcome.  Please leave comments below.

Moving Mom Didn't Go Well

About a week after mom moved down to the Life Guidance area where she was supposed to get more attention, things fell apart.  After mom was in bed one night one of the residences opened her door.  Eventually mom got up and went out to the common area where another resident was watching TV.  Apparently they got into a scuffle with each other and mom got pushed into a china cabinet and fractured her hip and shoulder.

It was a long night at the emergency room and then the next day mom had surgery to repair her hip.  She came through the surgery OK, but as you can imagine for someone almost 96 years old, it will be a long recovery.  After 10 days in the hospital, mom is rehabilitating in a nursing home.

Why, tell me why, do nursing homes have to look so dismal????  We must work to change this.  Nursing homes are where people often go near the very end of life because they need round the clock care.  The staff always says that the people there don't really notice the environment, but I believe on some level it matters!!!

I believe communities, businesses and people should all contribute time, money, and services to make nursing homes nicer.  It don't think it would be that difficult if everyone helped out.  After all, many of us will end up at these places someday.  

Moving Mom Again

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires

Will come to you!

What a challenging journey I have had managing my mom's life.  Little did I know almost 7 years ago when my dad died, that I would find myself where I am today.  I have learned what it means to have the patience of a saint, and so much more.  

I did my best to keep mom in her home for 4 years.  This entailed paying someone to come to the house twice a day to make sure she got up and dressed in the morning, ate, had meds, water, and had a little companionship.  Her neighbor across the street, Dave also kept an eye on her.  For me it meant calling her every night and visiting every other weekend, until it became every weekend.  There were several trips to the hospital, in the beginning from anxiety attacks (she would shake uncontrollably) then a fall through the rotten back porch that seriously cut up one leg, and then finally she passed out in the summer heat one night because she would close the bedroom door and not allow the air conditioning to come in.  That was the final straw along with her wanderings out on the street,  and I knew I needed to move her some place safer.  Moving mom was about more than her safety and health.  It was also about the difficulty of  keeping up with a house that was sitting on top of a wet, moldy basement filled with 54 years of debris, with a rotten deck and a big yard to take care of.  So many issues.  But finally I found a reasonably priced assisted living place with a lovely apartment to move her to.  It broke my heart to have mom leave her home, but she didn't even know she was home when she was there.  That eased my heartbreak and guilt a little, but not much.  I cried my heart out when I went to sign the contract, and cried my heart out again the night before the move.

Because of my mom's dementia I have had to work behind the scenes to make sure she has what she needs and to advocate for her.  When I realized the aids who worked at the Assisted Living Place were not good at putting mom to bed and getting her up in the morning, I had to hire a private aid Elsa to help me.  Elsa has been a godsend to me, and to mom (although mom doesn't remember Elsa from day to day).

Stay with me

Something interesting happens when fear takes over me and I see no way out of a crisis.  I become frozen and unable to move.  This is a terrifying feeling, because it happens at a time when you most need to be taking action.

This is strange, because I can honestly say that if something happened to someone else and they needed help, I would probably jump into action.  So I don't really understand why I am so paralyzed at the moment.

I am working at regaining my strength, but I'm having to reach out to others for support.  I feel like I have no oxygen, and someone else needs to put the oxygen mask on me.  I can keep going and keep working, but I just need some love, encouragement and support.  It is such an odd feeling.  I'm broken, sad, defeated and feel so alone in my predicament.  I'm certain that I am somehow meant to go through this, so that I can better speak and help others who don't know where to begin.

It feels similar to what happens to people when they are choking.  I was trained that if you see someone choking and they get up and go toward the rest room, you should follow them.  People in our culture are so embarrassed when something goes very wrong, that they want to run and hide.  Yet that is when they are in dire need of help from others.  I want to run and hide right now!  Please don't let me disappear.  I'm not dead yet.  I just have to get through this tough spell and get back on my feet.  Stay with me now, and you can be sure I will be there for you in your time of need.

Oh, The Places I've Lived

Since I moved back to Connecticut over 2 years ago, I have sunk deeper and deeper into loneliness and depression.  Yes, there are lots of reasons for me to feel down: caring for my 95 year old mother with dementia, being away from friends, yet another heartbreak, running out of money, disconnection with family, and missing the ocean.  But I have all the tools to keep me positive, living in the moment, making each and every day the best day.  And indeed, my yoga has kept me afloat in many ways.  Yet my spirit feels so weak and tired, and I continue to feel lost and alone.

Lately each day, my friend Roberta posts a beautiful picture of sunrise on the water in Martha's Vineyard. The pictures have lit up my soul and always soothe my pain.  Today after seeing this particularly stunning photo, it finally hit me.  I have been fortunate in my life to live in some really extraordinary places.

Now for the last three years I have lived in apartment complexes in the Manchester area of Connecticut.  Even though my current apartment has trees outside my window, it still doesn't feed my soul enough.  I'm starving for the ocean nearby, the starlit nights, and the stimulation of nature.  If I had never known this beauty, I would not miss it so much.