Deciding to Be Happy

I laid in bed for two hours this morning feeling my deep depression. It has been quite a while since it has visited me and taken me down so far. I tried focusing on my breath feeling the air soften me from the inside. It felt good, but the thoughts did not go away. Why am I so lost? Why do I feel so useless? Why am I such a failure? Why am I so alone? And why do I let myself get so self absorbed with "poor me". That is when I really go down, when I start beating myself up for being down.

Some people would say I need to find Jesus. Others would say I just need to work, work, work!! Still others would say I need to go help others less fortunate. And others would say just get dressed and go out on this beautiful day. But depression doesn't want to hear these solutions. It wants to tie you up and throw you in the dungeon of life. I know people who work hard and are depressed, who are very religious and are depressed, who have kids and a spouse and are depressed. I don't really know why some of us suffer more than others, but it just seems to be the way it is. No reason.

But I have learned not to stay there long. I actually got myself up and now I'm writing and looking forward to the day. It's a decision that I know I can make now. I decide to be happy. There is no reason for happiness. It is just a choice we make. If I wait for the reason, I will never get out of bed.

I guess I like to explore the depth of the human experience. Artists, writers, dancers, actors, all do this. But if you do this without a place to express what you discover and get creative, you can stay stuck in the depression. Those of us who tend to feel the depth of despair can then use it, and choose to do something with it. We can dance with it, learn from it, write about it, or sing about it. And we help others out of their despair, which we can do with great compassion, because we have been there.

Of course some artists don't get out of their depression. Apparently Vincent Van Gogh was not able to feel good about what he was doing. And yet, he has become one of the greatest artists of all time. The first time I saw the original "Starry Night", I stood and wept without understanding why. Van Gogh's art moves me. He is long gone, but what he has left behind has energy, emotion, and life in it. I look at the brush strokes and can feel his touch. Amazing.

Well, I'm rambling and have promised myself to keep my blogs somewhat short. I'm ready to fix my green smoothie, finish up some year end work, including making some contributions to good causes, and hopefully take a short walk.

Today, December 31, 2010 can either be the end of 10 years of struggle or the culmination of a great journey. This can be my worst day ever or my best day ever. My choice, my moment, my time to create. I will chose happiness today and I wish it for you too. Love and peace to all.

Hmmmmmmm, More Excuses.

I'm driving back home today after spending a long weekend with my mom. I just signed on to my blog and remembered that I was supposed to work on my goals. But the paper is still blank. I get totally distracted when I come to my mom's house and get lost in another world. Another excuse!!! Now I will be in the car for a few hours until I get home. Another Excuse!!

Wait, maybe I can think about my goals while I'm driving. I usually listen to my Integrative Nutrition modules or books on tape. I wonder if I could think about my goals? Well, I might give it a try.

I do have one idea for this week. I'm going to offer all my friends and family a free health consultation and a discount on the six month program. This is a great time of year to get started with my health coaching, as many people want to make a fresh start for the New Year. So, I going to just do it! I too need to make a fresh start for the new year. I have too much knowledge and presence (more on presence later), to keep to myself.

As I write, I hear myself in a different way. It wakes me up to bad thought habits and gets things out of my head. For those of you reading my blog, feel free to give feedback if you think something might be helpful. This process is about exposing myself to myself, and often others can see things that I can't. I have been stuck for a long time now and sometimes I might need someone to throw me a rope. :)

Now, I need to get ready to hit the road again.

The Birth of Motivation and Overcoming the Excuse Trap

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." ~ Helen Keller

I have zig zagged through life, experiencing a variety of jobs, relationships, places, challenges. I read books, take workshops, and am always studying and learning new things. Yes, I'm a student of life and It feels like this is my calling - to be an explorer, to always be searching, and longing for more. But now I have to take all this life experience and put it to work to build the financial foundation I need to live out this next chapter in my life.

I'm not sure how things will play out. We never do. But I see the importance of setting goals along the way. Without setting our sights somewhere, we flounder in uncertainty, lack motivation, and are left wallowing in all the excuses why we can't take off to the next destination. This is where I am at the moment. I'm working hard and going nowhere.

All the schooling in the world, will not lift me off if I don't choose to go. And go I must. As Marianne Williamson wrote in her book, "The Age of Miracles”, even though we feel it’s time to hang up our hats, it is actually time to finally be and do what we were meant to do. NOW!

So, why do I still make excuses. Why do I allow myself to be pulled off course in so many other directions. The excuses are endless: I need to take care of my mom, I have to finish getting organized, I have too much to do, I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know where to go to do it (whatever it is), and on and on and on. Totally useless territory. OK, enough.

The next couple of months I will be building my Health Coaching Business and at the same time, looking at possibilities of working in a more structured environment, maybe like a real job!!

On these pages I will share the journey, the struggles, the questions and the successes along the way. My first task this week will be to look at, and write down specific goals for the next six months. I will then break this down into weekly goals. I will put in place the structure I lack, and finally stop interacting with the excuses.

Here's something of a poem I wrote today:


I see myself flying here and there, to the farthest edges of human experiences.
There I see and feel all the fear, the despair, the loss, the loneliness, the hopelessness.
I fly into the light and then back to the dark.
I soar up and then down.
I go forward to unknown space, then back into the web of distant memories.
I struggle, I question, I doubt.
And finally in the stillness,
I feel the peace of the only place that really matters,
this, and only this moment.

Rescuing Me

I have rewritten this whole piece so many times. I guess it is just hard to speak the truth about where I am in my life. So this is the best I can say it right now.

I originally was going to title this "Saving Catherine". Then I went to "Reinventing Myself" because it sounded more positive. But then I realized that I'm always reinventing myself, and that is nothing new. Now it's "Rescuing Me".

It's time for me to rescue me because I'm falling fast financially, and I have no clear plan to get myself out of the situation I find myself in. You see, I have always been the rescuer. For many years now I've had plenty of money, and I felt that it was not right for me to hold onto my money if others were in need. I wanted to share whatever wealth I had. So, I kept helping out others financially and doing whatever I could to make life better for others. Yes, and me too. Then the real estate bubble burst, and the money stopped growing, but I didn't stop giving it away and lived as if I still had money coming in. The money kept going out, and going out, until I reached the inevitable place of seeing clearly that I would be flat broke within the next year or even sooner if any kind of disaster struck. So, now I have no choice but to stop spending and find a way to generate money to live on for the future.

When things are going bad, we tend to become embarrassed, ashamed, and want to hide from everyone. We don't want people to see our weakness or vulnerability. I definitely feel like this and would love to just hide out, but there is too much at stake.

We all have our unique challenges. But knowing that others have challenges, some far worse than mine, does not give me any fuel to deal with my own life. It is much easier for me to focus on others and be compassionate and helpful to them. But with me it's another story.

What is the solution? I always have great solutions to help other people change their lives and make things better. And other people will have great solutions for me. But I'm the one that has to do this and live with the consequences of my actions. For years I have had the financial wherewithal to function, shop, give, and create. Money was the paintbrush that I used to create my life. I could have easily held back and saved money, but I did what felt right in the moment.

When my Dad was dying, I had to stop teaching regular yoga classes because I needed flexibility to be with my mom and dad. When Dad died, I took on the responsibility of managing my mom's life. I had no idea what this would entail, but it ended up being much more work than I ever imagined. Now, even though I find myself facing financial ruin, I can still see that my financial wherewithal was a blessing that allowed me the time to be with my parents, and devote myself to helping others.

But today I find myself at a new crossroad, and something must be done.

To be continued.......

In Your Face (On Facebook)

It has been well over a year now since I first got on Facebook. The experience has been evolving slowly, from the initial first step of just getting a profile picture on, then accumulating a few friends, then finding friends from the past (or having them find you), and finally figuring out what the heck I wanted to say to all these people. Do I just keep things shallow, mention the weather, a nice sunset, a good movie I saw? Or do I dare go deeper, sharing my real feelings and fears, and my views of the world? I decided to go a little deeper. However, I don't particularly like starting political firestorms on Facebook. So, how do I find the right balance and tone? Can I avoid offending people? Probably not, but I hope to try - not to offend that is :). (Good luck with that one Catherine!!). At least it seems that I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable with my posts, and I know for sure that this medium of expression will continue to evolve, and so will I.

So now, I'm going to add to my public exposure by keeping up with writing my blog and encouraging people to read it. Now THIS is frightening. What will people think of me? I even worry that people will be criticizing my grammar. I have no editor at the moment. And then there is the fact that I grew up with parents who were extremely private people. One NEVER aired their dirty laundry!! But then I've always been a bit of a rebel, and usually do the opposite of what my parents would have done. After all, I'm a child of the sixties and rode the wave of the whole Hippie, and women's liberation movement.

In any case, I will apologize in advance if I offend or disturb anyone. For the most part I try to stay in the light and be a loving and compassionate person, but I still (as we all do) have a dark side and can get feisty sometimes. I'm far from perfect, but I do the best I can to listen and learn from my experiences. So, I'm removing (most of) my armor and becoming vulnerable to whatever this process brings me.

I'm also doing this because I've always wanted to write. This is a good way to get my feet wet. I also realize that writing about oneself, can seem very self-absorbed. Some people have referred to the book "Eat, Pray, Love" as being self-absorbed. That is what happens when one writes about their own life experiences. So, what I'm doing IS self-absorbed, but I'm all I have to work with at the moment. I can only hope that something of what I write will also be helpful to someone else, or at least maybe be amusing. So, here I go.

Lessons from Europe

For the past few years I have been so fortunate to be able to participate in bike/barge trips in Europe. I go with my biking group from Duxbury (20 of us). They are a great group of people and the affordable price of the trips makes it hard to say "no". But this year my friend Annie joined me and we decided to spend some extra time in Europe at the end of the biking trip. It was a challenging and interesting time, but changed the experience by making it less affordable both financially and time wise.


I learned that I'm not at a stage in my life where I can afford the luxury of long stays abroad. Perhaps if I can get my life on a better track and get some income coming in I can do that some day. But today, it is a different story. I will continue this on my next post called "Saving Catherine".

Dancing on the Branches

The last few years I feel more like I'm dancing on the branches of death. It started with my dad's deterioration and death, over two years ago. I had no idea how to be with this situation. We ended up bringing my dad home to die. It was so strange to have an ambulance bring my dad to his home, rather than taking him to the hospital. The Hospice experience did not meet my expectations, and watching my dad slowly die was the hardest thing I had ever been through. The day my dad died, a good friend and neighbor of mine in Plymouth was diagnosed with lung cancer and died a few months later.

Then began the vigil with my mom. I did not know if she would last very long after dad died, but she is still hanging on. Now at the age of 91 she is still doing quite well physically, but has serious dementia. Day by day, I watch my mom losing her mind. As she let's go of life, I also have to learn to let go. I never expected my mom to outlive my dad. She was always sick when I was a kid. I even find myself asking if there is something I need to learn from her before she goes. I just don't know. This is so hard for me and I feel alone and frustrated.

Fortunately, I just read Gail Sheehy's book "Passages for Caregivers". This book has brought me much comfort in realizing that I'm not alone in this struggle and that I'm doing the best I can. So much to learn, that I never wanted to learn. So much to do, that I never wanted to do. We don't sign up for this job. It is the hardest job I've ever done, and there is very little reward.

So, I'm learning to live, as I'm being with death. What will be next?

Moving, Living and Learning

This past year I ended up moving six times. I won't bore you with the details, nor do I care to relive the experience. But I would like to share what I learned. I realized that being a gypsy is not such a great thing. Although I want to explore, travel and learn, I think I can do this without having to move my stuff, or put it in storage, and worry whether I'll have a roof over my head next month. I have come to realize that I need a home base, a place to keep what matters, and a place to come home to when I need a break from my travels. Too much time and energy was expended moving and finding places to stay. This is time and energy I need for other things.

So after six moves, I decided to rent an unfurnished apartment. I have a year lease and could certainly stay here longer if I need to. This is a sort of garage apartment, but more like a carriage house on a family's property. The living area is upstairs with 4 large skylights. The light coming in is amazing and will be perfect for me to work on projects and study. I'm alone, but know that there are people around. I'm in the woods, but with the ocean only a few minutes a way. There are beaches, places to walk, golf, bike ride, and the yoga studio is only 5 minutes away. While some of my friends think I should go back to city life, I just don't feel drawn to that at the moment. So, for now this feels like a good place to land.

About a Place, About a Family

If I close my eyes I can smell the sweet scent of the air, at my one time home in Palm Desert, California. I've not been back since I sold my place there. It's as if my landing pad is gone, so there is no place soft to land. Now I know what a difference a place makes. It will never be the same going back and staying in a hotel.

But it's not just the place that is gone, it's the people. My how life's patterns change. I first started going to Palm Desert when my Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob retired there. Then my cousin Bruce moved there, and also my cousin Mary Kay and her husband. So, Palm Desert became a family affair. My mom and dad made regular visits and finally I decided to buy a condo in a golf community called Marrakesh. It was a home away from home, in the exotic land of desert surrounded by towering snow capped mountains. A place to relax, swim, hike and explore. A place for my dad to play golf, and for families to reunite.

Then a few years back, Aunt Betty passed away and the pattern changed. My mom would not go back. It was too heartbreaking for her to go there with her sister gone. There was a void left by this amazing woman, who always went out of her way to make you feel like you were the most special person in the whole world. Then my dad, the man who infected me with his passion for golf passed away too. The picture was fractured. The couples no more.

So, this week Uncle Bob passed away at 94, just a few short months after his last day of work at the Desert Springs Marriot. What a legacy he leaves. He was a story teller, full of laughter, wisdom and deep love and devotion to all things. I'm so grateful to have known this man. He leaves me with great memories of road runners, hummingbirds, chocolate milk shakes, and so much more. I will always cherish that evening on my terrace, as we watched the clouds evaporate as they came over the mountain tops into the dry desert air. You may be gone, but I will never forget you. Thank you Uncle Bob. And thank you Aunt Betty. You are together once again.