Dancing on the Branches

The last few years I feel more like I'm dancing on the branches of death. It started with my dad's deterioration and death, over two years ago. I had no idea how to be with this situation. We ended up bringing my dad home to die. It was so strange to have an ambulance bring my dad to his home, rather than taking him to the hospital. The Hospice experience did not meet my expectations, and watching my dad slowly die was the hardest thing I had ever been through. The day my dad died, a good friend and neighbor of mine in Plymouth was diagnosed with lung cancer and died a few months later.

Then began the vigil with my mom. I did not know if she would last very long after dad died, but she is still hanging on. Now at the age of 91 she is still doing quite well physically, but has serious dementia. Day by day, I watch my mom losing her mind. As she let's go of life, I also have to learn to let go. I never expected my mom to outlive my dad. She was always sick when I was a kid. I even find myself asking if there is something I need to learn from her before she goes. I just don't know. This is so hard for me and I feel alone and frustrated.

Fortunately, I just read Gail Sheehy's book "Passages for Caregivers". This book has brought me much comfort in realizing that I'm not alone in this struggle and that I'm doing the best I can. So much to learn, that I never wanted to learn. So much to do, that I never wanted to do. We don't sign up for this job. It is the hardest job I've ever done, and there is very little reward.

So, I'm learning to live, as I'm being with death. What will be next?